I had another flare up over the weekend. A “flare up” is what people say (at least, on internet chat boards) when their ankylosing spondylitis starts hurting again. Ankylosing spondylitis is basically like rheumatoid arthritis, except for it’s all in your spine (this scientific information is based on five minute conversations with doctors and again, the internet).
My back used to hurt a lot, but now, it doesn’t usually. It doesn’t move much either. This apparently happens because it’s “fused”, which I guess you can see on an x-ray. All I know is that in yoga class my cobra now consists of my chin hovering an inch above the ground and I used to be pretty good (I know this is an inherently un-yoga statement). Anyway, the part of me that hurts now is my neck, which still moves. When that hurts, I can’t do anything else except lie in bed, because the pain shoots up into my head.
On Saturday afternoon, I began thinking about how I should record the thoughts I had while lying there. The good thing about writing is it gives you something to plan for when you’re in the middle of something kinda shitty. Here’s what I came up with:
- Is this my fault?
- I wonder how many other people I passed today were in pain.
- I wish I had yellow curry to eat.
- I’m pretty sure it is my fault.
- It will pass, it always does.
- Right now, I hate it.
- I wonder who else is in pain right now.
- Pain is like compost. I could write a blog post on that. Then it would fit with the theme.
- If you start a blog post saying pain is like compost, everyone already knows how it’s going to end. Good comes from bad. It’s been written already.
- If someone told me pain was like compost when I was in pain, I’d want to strangle them. Granted, I’d smile sweetly, but I’d really like to strangle them.
- Those kind of thoughts show that this is my fault.
- I’m glad I have Grimus and Mortimer.
Those are my cats. They sit with me the whole time.